


whispers

by potatossium



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Huang Ren Jun Needs a Hug, Huang Ren Jun is Bad at Feelings, Huang Ren Jun-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Short, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:40:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29971311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatossium/pseuds/potatossium
Summary: renjun really wanted to trust jaemin’s words but his mind refused to do so. he was afraid to trust others. he was afraid of being left behind again.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	whispers

**Author's Note:**

> everything written in here is just a fiction. i’m just borrowing their names. not telling their stories.

_ buzz.. buzz.. _

the vibrations from his cellphone broke the silence of the dark room he was in for the umpteenth time. but not even the dizzying vibes could stop renjun from drowning into his own thoughts.

rather than bringing him to his sense, renjun hugged himself even tighter instead. feelings of fear and guilt grew thicker, consuming him. hoping for something that could take him away from this world.

_ gosh, you’re being dramatic again, ren. _

he slapped his cheeks hard. a heavy sigh left his lungs. he took a glance on the contact on the cellphone screen.

_ 48 missed calls from  🐰 . _

“call me two more times, jaem. make it 50.” he murmured unconciously. and renjun cursed himself for thinking of such ridiculous things.

if you were wondering why renjun didn’t pick the calls, even let it piled up to 48 missed calls, renjun couldn’t give you any answer. he knew you would be mad at him when you knew the answer.

he knew what he thought would sound ridiculous and stupid. oh, of course renjun knew. he thought so too. but renjun couldn’t remove his the shackles of insecurity that binded his heart and mind so very tightly. stopping every positive thoughts that he could think of to calm himself. strangling his neck so that he couldn’t breath. stopping his hand from answering jaemin’s calls.

_ jaemin. _

_ jaemin can help. _

_ no. don’t bother jaemin all the time, renjun. don’t be the burden he didn’t ask for. you don’t want to be thrown away for being too much of a hazzle, right? because of your negative thoughts? make him feel uncomfortable being with you? such a negative person like you drives people away. so, stop. deal with it on your own, dumbass. trash. stupid.  _

renjun shook his head hard.

_ stop it. stop this. renjun, stop thinking of such a bad thought like this! _

renjun was so tired of his own thoughts. unconciously, tears streamed down his face. he bit his lips hard to hold back the sound of competing sobs, forcing to to leave his lips.

_ knock knock knock _

“ _ renjun? _ ”

the baritone voice of a man could be heard from behind his apartment door, stopping his running thoughts for a second.

_jaemin_..

the door was knocked softly again, hoping not to surprise the occupant of the room.

“ _ renjun, i know you’re in there. i know you heard me. _ ”

renjun was bewildered. he really wanted to open the door and hug the taller man tightly. but he didn’t want the same person to see his pathetic condition. crying over things he shouldn’t cry about. trivial things he shouldn’t think about.

“ _renjun_.”

the door was once again knocked. and this time, the two of renjun’s feet brought him to open the wooden white door of his apartmen slowly.

a sigh of relief could be heard from the man standing in front of the door with a medium-sized white plastic bag that looks full in his left hand. renjun glanced on the bag with curious eyes. jaemin who saw that just smiled and lifted the bag, showing its contents.

“snacks. there’s your favorite cadburry too.”

hearing his favorite chocolate brand brought a tiny smile on his lips. he stretched out his and to accept the bag, which jaemin happily gave him, and saw what was in it.

“not gonna invite me in?”

the smaller one raised his head, realizing they were still at the door. he cursed his own stupidity, before finally inviting jaemin to enter his apartment.

renjun put the white plastic bag on the dining table and took the drinks and chocolates to put them in the refrigerator. jaemin watched him from the sofa in the middle of the room.

“may i know why you didn’t pick up my calls?”

jaemin’s question stopped him for a moment. he was flustered. hadn’t prepared any good alibi that would make jaemin believe him.

“i.. was overslept. the phone didn’t ring so i didn’t know you called.”

_ does that even make sense..? _

_ it actually does. stop thinking too much, renjun. _

“then why are your eyes and nose so red?”

_ of course you just have to ruin your own alibi, dear renjun. _

“mm, are they? i haven’t looked at the mirror so i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

he replied casually, trying to hide the fact that he just cried out loud with a lie he hoped was believable enough. with his back to jaemin, and him facing the refrigerator, pretending to arranging the content, kind of helped him avoid the suspicious gaze of jaemin.

renjun thought jaemin would continue to interrogate him until he confessed the truth, but what he got was a pull that turned his position towards the man behind him and a warm hug instead.

jaemin gently stroked his back and hair. renjun who was initially surprised to be hugged so suddenly, returned the hug eventhough he was still confused.

“renjun.”

“um?”

“you know that i love you, right?”

no replies.

renjun was just silent when he heard it. he wanted to say “yes”. jaemin told him thousand times how much the taller man love him. how much the august born man admire him. how  _ beautiful  _ renjun was in the eyes of na jaemin — they had already debated about this before. jaemin knew renjun didn’t like being called _beautiful_ , because according to him, the word  _ beautiful _ belongs to women. but jaemin had no other words for renjun. he wanted to say words like _graceful, elegant, charming, stunning,_ and others, but according to jaemin, the word  _beautiful_ summed up all the compliment words into one.  _ renjun deserves every and each beautiful word . _

but despite jaemin being so honest with his feelings, all the compliments sounded like bullshit in renjun’s ears. renjun  _ knew _ jaemin didn’t mean any of those words. he  _ knew _ those were just jaemin’s sweet tounge who tried to cheer him up. he  _ knew _ jaemin stayed with him because he was kind.  _ and renjun took adventage of his kindness . _

_ i know you don’t really love me. i know you don’t really like me. even i don’t like me. it’s just so easy to hate me. _

“renjun?”

jaemin’s voice brought him back from the whispers that eating his mind away.

“renjun,  i meant it when i said i love you. i meant it when i said you’re beautiful. i meant it when i said i wish you’d love me too. ”

renjun could only gulped his saliva down in silence.he was speechless. he didn’t know what to say. renjun really wanted to trust jaemin’s words but his mind refused to do so. he was afraid to trust others. he was afraid of being left behind again.

the tinkling sound of the too long opened refrigerator made both of them aware. renjun pulled himself from the hug to close the refrigerator door.

he closed his eyes, trying to stop the bad thoughts in his head, trying to calm himself down.

_ take a deep breath... hold it... exhale slowly... _

the breathing method that jaemin thought him before was helpful enough to clear his head even for a while.

he looked back at jaemin and smiled.

“i know.” he said. “thank you for liking–  _ for telling me that you love me _ _,_ jaemin.”

he clapped his hands once, indicating that this conversation ended here. “it’s 2 a.m., you better go home.”

jaemin just stared sadly at him his steps felt heavy approaching the smaller one. he reached for his chin and kissed his forehead for a few seconds.

“ _ you deserve to be loved,  _ renjun _. don’t be too hard on yourself._ ”

jaemin smiled softly at him and ruffled his hair, before finally leaving the apartment and the occupant in silence, standing still in the same spot.

_ do i, jaemin..? _

**Author's Note:**

> another nct dream short fic
> 
> this is just a part from my overthinking hours. just needed to write this to clear my mind a little
> 
> thank you for reading and please leave your thoughts in the comment!


End file.
